Jeff.
Jeff and I have gone on 6 or so dates.
All nice, good conversation, he pays or I pay depending on who presented the invite. He seriously believes in Sasquatch which is both head scratching and interesting. He moves at a turtle’s pace romantically. Each kiss has been PG and wrenched out of thin air. Once he has a few drinks, this 29 year old turns into a 6th grader…He makes excuses to break away from the crowd only to fumble and foul up any romantic plan he may have had. (‘Ah, have you seen my new snowboard and while were at I’m going to kiss you…on the mouth/cheek/chin.’)
Had I been strictly honest with myself I would have said, “Self, this is not earthshattering. Move on.” But apparently sometimes I like to beat a dead horse. …Until New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day.
New Year’s Eve I get slurry drunken phone calls and several 6th grade texts, the best of which reads (verbatim)…”Holler if ya wanna meet fir a drank at Charlies later. Ima drinkin the bubbs too!!” Holy lord. He sealed his fate on that one I’m afraid. Needless to say I did not meet up with him on New Year’s Eve.
Instead I watched fireworks shooting out of the back of pickup trucks with snow falling all around, kissing no one.
It was glorious!
So, cut to the first day of 2010. For some reason I’m feeling wild. I start drinking whiskey and by the end of the night, probably had half a bottle. But before that craziness ensues, Jeff decides to text that he will meet me at Charlie’s (once again) and buy me a drink. ”I’m already here,” I text. He shows up as I’m approaching the front of a very long line and says ”Oh hi, here’s a 20. Will you get a pitcher for me and buy yourself a drink too.” So I do, much to the dismay of others in line and Jeff’s friend’s advice just to wait in line themselves. I hand over the pitcher.
A few minutes later I get a rather abrupt tap on my shoulder and turn to see Jeff. “Was there any change from that pitcher?” He asks. “I mean what is a pitcher…11 bucks?” I’m totally shocked but, hey, not going to argue. I give him back all but what the pitcher cost, paying for my drink myself. A girl friend close by watches all of this and is appalled and I try to keep her from making a scene. Shortly after that a friend of Jeff’s insists on buying me and all three of my friends drinks.
FYI, Jeff, he just made you look even worse. To sum up the rest of the night quickly, he again turns into a 6th grader, I tell him it’s not going to work out between us, I dance and party with friends, he gets plastered and pukes his brains out.
Welcome 2010…
good stuff here katie. i am impressed with your writing skills and keen eye for douchebaggery.
i want to hear more
who are you and what happened to Adam?
I am Adam’s new alias. Cross dressing and trying to pick up dudes about town creates cool shit to write about.
wait…. did he pop your bra strap? did he punch you on the shoulder? did he pass a note with boxes for yes, no and maybe? … i’d say he’s pretty mature for a 6th grader. in fact, on the t’ville scale, he’s probably on summer break before 8th grade.